I felt like I couldn't go to sleep till I got this down for some reason.
A couple things have been going through my head. Precipitated by the fact that the second anniversary of my mother's passing came and went and I didn't even notice. I'm not sure why. At first I thought I should be bothered by that. But then I realized it's because I think I've run the course of my grieving. At this point in the process I've been thinking about a couple things.
One is that I've let go of a lot of things, including the grief. I don't need to look back with sadness at what happened. That sadness has lost meaning for me. What I remember, and think of in terms of my mom, is what she's like now. I talk with her, pray with/for her, think about what she's doing, feel her sometimes when I'm with Amia and thoughts of my mom will just pop into my head. The whole process of looking ahead, or more important even, being in the moment, has really helped me orient my emotions and focus.
Second is something I heard Deepak Chopra say. He said that just like nature follows the course of least resistance, so should we. Water flows and flows and if it overcomes an obstacle it finds another way around or through (in most cases). I've found that to be really helpful. Something I've learned from Suzanne is that the more you focus on something, the more you struggle against it, the more power you give it. This relates to the other thing I've been thinking about. I just saw a spoken word video with Henry Rollins. At the end he says he wants everyone to "live strong". That's puzzled me ever since I heard it. I have no idea what he means.
This relates to my grieving process in several ways. One is that I never fought my emotions. I let them pass through me like water. In the end I'm not emotion--I'm spirit. When I felt intense sadness I just cried, wherever I happened to be. I didn't want to waste time healing by fighting what I felt, so I immersed myself in it so that I could get past it. And watching a scene in Six Feet Under I remembered another time when I was in South Carolina. In the show a character is out on a mountain after burying his wife. He stands up in the sunrise and just starts screaming as the camera moves up into the sky. Suzanne helped me remember that when I was in South Carolina a year ago I was all alone on this river, pretty far from anybody, and I just screamed and screamed. It felt so good to let go of all that tension, anger, and disappointment.
So weighing these two views, that of following the path of least resistance and the idea of "living strong", I guess that, for me, the former harmonizes with how I want to be in the world. I feel like by trying to live in tune with God's purpose for me I'm automatically following the path of least resistance, and nothing can really stand in my way, whether it's sadness, ego, or an SUV.
OK, another thought. I'm starting to glimpse how this all relates to parenting too. Being with Amia is really inspiring to me. She just loves everyone, and the world is a source of endless fascination. Raising her we haven't put a lot of limits on what she can do, instead praising and encouraging what she can do. I think that's resulted in several positive things. One is that she seems to trust us. In 99% of cases if we take something away she doesn't really fuss because she seems to trust us, because we rarely take anything away. Even things that might seem dangerous, that she might choke on or whatever. We always are nearby ready to intervene, and it doesn't mean we let her play with knives. But one of the results is that she's very adept with things. She rarely falls off things because she's gotten so confident climbing up and down, and she's choked just once, on something that you wouldn't think to be a choking hazard. I hope what we're showing her is that she can trust her own instincts and intuition, and that the world is safe place, that she just has to navigate it with our help for now.
It's hopeful/helpful to think that you might be doing something right as a parent!